Reality bites

I have to figure out how to accept the statistical likelihood that, by this time next year, my husband could be dead.

I could be a widow.
My child, who has already lost her biological mother through circumstances I won’t discuss here, may lose her father.

Eight years ago I thought I’d found the person I’d spend the rest of my life with. Turns out I may have had that backwards. Four and a half years ago I married him thinking “This is my forever. My past, present, & future all rolled into one”.

That future is slipping away. That present is painful to focus on.

I could be a widow. I could be a widow.

The words repeat over & over in my head all the time now. In the shower. I could be a widow. In the car. I could be a widow. Making dinner. I could be a widow. And it never ever stops.

All the while (I could be a widow.) I’m still trying to navigate life (I could be a widow.). I’m trying to make plans (I could be a widow.), have fun (I could be a widow.), pay bills (I could be a widow.), help my daughter find herself & her strength (I could be a widow.)…

How the fuck does anyone do this?! How do you grant Schrodinger’s Cat level of accepting the circumstances? He might live, he might die, he might live but be so bad off he wants to die, he might live & through some miracle we can still have the life we planned – the house, the kids, the adventures… How does one accept ALL of that? Simultaneously? Every single day?

I could be a widow.

I could be a wife.

Everything is going to be alright.

Everything is gone.

I am lost.

I am found.

I could be a widow.

I could be a widow.

I could be a widow…


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