Help, or don’t help. There is no “try”.

So my therapist quit…

She quit face to face yesterday when she knew last week she was going to quit, despite knowing that my biggest freak-out is currently confrontation, & knowing that 2 months ago a man threatened me for turning around in his driveway and that I’m still upset over it. So obviously this will just be water under the bridge.

She quit under the guise of wanting to help me (maybe she does) but “lacking the experience” to deal with me. Naturally she wants to refer me to someone with LESS training than she has knowing that I basically have her training already myself.

She then wanted to pester me about why I was crying (I’ve cried every time I’ve been in her office – crying a lot is one of the reasons I felt I needed therapy) & if I was going to be okay (specifically asking me how I was going to be okay). What could have been a phone call turned into 35 minutes of pointlessness that did nothing but make me feel even worse than I did weeks ago meeting with her for the first time.

If any counselors, therapists, or other care workers (doctors & nurses included) are reading this (anybody really) let me impart some wisdom for you… when a person tells you they have trust issues & a fear of all things medical & they have consistently been told that they are the problem and “too much” to handle while simultaneously “not enough”, & they have a history of abuse & they have consistently asked for help only to get none, YOU have an immediate choice to make. The choice is this: Help or don’t try.

This is what I refer to as the Yoda solution (“do or do not, there is no ‘try'”).

You cannot expect a positive reaction when someone tells you they are desperate for help/relief, that they’ve tried everything they can think of, that they know *all* of these coping skills… and you sign up to help them & then fail to do so.

My former therapist could have lined up another therapist to see me (knowing I might not want to see them but still taking the time to have a plan in place for the person who feels tremendously vulnerable). She could have said point blank that I need someone with more experience. She could have used me as an opportunity to further herself by trying new things (workbooks are fine guys, but sometimes when a person tells you that the workbook is not only how they’re already living but what they’re teaching their kid… believe them maybe)

The message I got from this is that once again I am too much to deal with. She feels I am disingenuous because I am educated & familiar with therapy techniques & entirely too self aware. I’m not good enough to be a client. I’m too damaged (nothing to do now but accept the shit storm & be happy about it). I’m not trying hard enough. I’m dismissive (because she couldn’t find a solution I’ve not already tried). There is no hope for me.

Oh but she’ll talk to her boss & get me set up with someone else. Someone with a lesser degree. Someone newer to therapy. Because I’m sure they will have the experience I need to rely upon. Yeah… sure.

Her primary refrain was that I just need to decide that the next event in a pattern of shit shit shit shit shit shit shit is sunshine instead of shit. And I’m all for the power of positive thinking BUT I’m suffering from anxiety (I have inarguable reasons to be anxious – my husband has cancer, we currently have $17 in the bank, sMother has increased our rent, I have chronic pain) and I’ve had a continuous string of trauma which is causing me some PTSD-like symptoms. I am a positive person. That isn’t enough. I have accepted that I can’t change sMother or cure my husband;s cancer or any of those other things I’d love to be able to wiggle my nose at. I try not to be miserable but I have a lot of triggers most of which are unavoidable & I still manage to find silver linings everywhere… but I’m still fucked up. I still need help dealing with all this.

I’m still here begging & pleading for aid. It would behoove you, counselor, to provide some.

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