I’m typing this from that anxious dark place in my head desperately seeking sunlight & warmth. It’s basically been my home for a week now. There is some family discord that requires many emotions & a lot of talking. There is also the fact that my house is literally falling apart (yesterday the bathroom faucet handle sheared off). It’s sMother’s birthday (hello, stress, drama, & anxiety!). Today is also the first oncologist appointment since seeing the test results for my husband’s recurrence of Hodgkins AND therapy day.
To say I am high strung today would be a tremendously understated expression of the height of my current emotional track. Normally my option on days like today is to shut it off, lock down my feelings until later when I can sort them out neatly on my bed & tuck them away again like newly laundered linens. However there has been so much emotional high wire walking in the last two weeks that I don’t know if my feelings dam has any strength left. I may have to feel what I’m feeling as I feel it today.
I’m uncomfortable with this notion. My feelings are many & jumbled & deep. This could be very messy – picture a distressed monkey flinging poo only the poo is actually feelings. That’s pretty much how I’m anticipating today will go.