The anger that was

This is something I wrote midway through last year. It’s jarring to me just how *not* angry I am now in comparison despite the fact we’re currently awaiting biopsy results that may mean my husband is sick again.

From last year:

I’ve never been the kind to deal with anger well. Mostly I let loose a few choice words & then let whatever it is go. Wash my hands of it, you know, no point in dwelling.

But for the last 8 months my husband has been sick. The symptoms we subtle & disconnected at first. Then they were glaring & terrifying. By the time the diagnosis came (Cancer. Hodgkins. Stage 4. With B complications.) I already knew it was cancer and at an advanved stage.

I knew because I was angry. In fact, so angry every time he coughed or vomited that I had to leave the room. Sometimes the house. And I’ve stayed angry; for 8 months, which is unheard of for me. I don’t think I can remember the last time I was angry longer than 8 minutes, let alone this sort of angry.

And it isn’t just the fear reaction, nor is it because things aren’t going well – on the contrary things are going quite better than expected. Yet the anger lingers.

I am angry at the lack of support.
I am angry at the inability to make any serious plans.
I am angry at the insurance company, doctors, bill collectors,  pharmacies, and the so called American Healthcare System.

All of which one might consider reasonable, but I am also angry that people who know us know nothing of his condition or what we as a family are going through aside from what I begrudgingly post to Facebook. And I am angry that I still have to go to work while I’m basically walking around ready to explode at any moment. I’m angry at people who are happy. And people who are sad. That anger stretches out to people who I’ve never met. And it just keeps spewing out like a constant volcanic eruption, sometimes slow, sometimes ash, sometimes all at once, but never stopping. Never resting only varying in volume and depth.

I have no idea what to do with it. And no one, not even the therapists & doctors seem to know how to help me. It serves no purpose, yet it does not dissipate.

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